


Grief

by cats_udonta



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Father and Son Relationship, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, This is dedicated to everyone who has lost someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 10:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16617650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_udonta/pseuds/cats_udonta
Summary: This is a fic I've had in my head for a very long time and is very personal.It is dedicated to my Grandmother (may god rest her soul), Stan Lee, and anyone who has ever lost someone or is currently experiencing loss.To enhance your reading experience, please listen to this as you read: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ffCupmOEa4





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Everyone who has experienced or is currently experiencing loss](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Everyone+who+has+experienced+or+is+currently+experiencing+loss).



**Denial**

Every day Kraglin wakes up at 7:00 AM. He washes, dresses, then sets about his daily routine. A first mates job can be tedious and long, but Kraglin used to love how his captain depended on him and the responsibility it brought.

He walks through what remains of the Eclector, holo pad in hand, feet heavy as if weighed down. The halls feel a little too tight, oppressive almost, as if judging him; mocking him. Without Yondu, what purpose did his life have? 

A first mate is supposed to listen and to provide advice. Clenching the holo pad a little too tightly in his hands, Kraglin realizes that he didn’t do much of that; wasn’t there for his captain, especially when Yondu needed him most. 

If he had listened better, would his captain still be alive?

Kraglin begins to cook breakfast– running on autopilot and only vaguely aware of what he’s doing. It’s simple, nutritious but bland, cheap, easy to prepare and even easier to eat. Captain was never one for rich food, always preferred the basics even though he could afford much better. 

He sets the last plate down, and sits in his captains old chair. A cup of black coffee in his captains favorite cup, buttered toast and a bowl of flavorless oatmeal. Never waste food, was a lesson his captain made sure everyone on his ship learned. Every spoonful of oatmeal tastes disgusting, and the coffee is too bitter, but it’s what his captain liked so he endures. 

Peter walks into the kitchen and see’s him sadly biting into a piece of buttered toast, and clenching Yondu’s favorite mug a little too tightly in his left hand. 

For a brief second their eyes meet, and Kraglin gets the impression that Peter isn’t quite sure how to approach him.

**Anger**

A few days later, Kraglin’s denial is overtaken by a powerful sense of anger.

He is angry at himself for betraying his captain and getting all of his friends killed. He’s angry that he threw away the best life he had ever had over some petty jealously. 

But most of all, Kraglin is angry at Peter. Convenient for Peter, that he waited until Yondu died for him to finally give a shit. The hateful words, the ungratefulness....all of it was replaced by false words of ‘like a father’ and ‘love’. What a joke. 

Kraglin grits his teeth, yells, and kicks at the staked crates from the very last job captain ever did before Contraxia. They tumble over and the contents spill out, creating a frothy liquid mess all over the steel grating. 

If Peter had cared and hadn’t been so fucking stupid....

Then Captain would still be alive. 

Peter and the rat appear not moments later, they ask in concern ‘what’s wrong, dude? You ok?’ and Kraglin blows up. He turns to face Peter and screams in his face until he almost can’t breathe. He screams at Peter over everything Yondu had sacrificed, the pain he caused Yondu in his last months alive after abandoning him, and the pain he caused _him_ for taking the captains room, his things, and leaving him with only the arrow and a sad ‘he’d want you to have it’.

‘I dunno what to say’ is Peter’s reply. That fake concern wrapped up in a nice, neat, bow. He doesn’t want Peter’s concern. He wants his captain back. 

**Bargaining**

Sitting on the top deck, overlooking the stars, Kraglin clenches his hands together as if to pray and says to the stars, the galaxy, and what ever gods that may be listening “Bring tha capin’ back n’ I swear ah’ll never step outta line ever again. Ah’ll be by his side, I’ll be good – I swears it – ah’ll even kiss Peter’s ass if that’s what cha want. Jus’ please -” he bows his head, his voice breaking “ah, jus’ want mah capin’ back.”

Kraglin looks up once more to address the stars that his captains ashes had disappeared into “Capin’ can ya hear me? Ahm sorry! sos please....please come back. I need you.”

The look of betrayal on Yondu’s face, after he had spat those disgusting words of anger, looked awfully remiss of the day Stakar banished him, and Kraglin feels the self hate start to consume him. If the captain were still alive, Kraglin thinks, he would say sorry a million times over. Though he wonders, would it ever be enough? Would it ever be enough to repair the hurt that his captain had experienced on his behalf?

A sob works it’s way from his throat. What right did he have saying those things to Peter?

After all, it wasn’t Peter who was the horrible son.

It was him.

**Depression**

He sits on the floor, his back to the wall right outside what used to be his captains bedroom. The Yaka arrow feels heavy in his hand, and like the weeks before, Kraglin’s interests seem to start and end with the Yaka. 

It’s been a while since he’s talked, no point in doing so, he thinks. Peter’s new family has no place for him, and Kraglin knows it’s only a matter of time before he’s kicked from the ship and abandoned on Knowhere.

The rat, twig, and Peter try their best to engage him in conversation, but Kraglin knows it’s all false sympathy. None of them can stand him, and to be honest, he can’t stand himself either. 

If captain could see him now, what would he think? What would he say?

 **Acceptance**

After some heavy introspection, Kraglin snaps out of his slump. Following his captains example of continuing on through self hatred and depression, he decides to go through with his radical idea. 

It’s risky, the surgery, but Kraglin’s spirit, his mind, his _everything_ knows he must endure. So, in the dead of night, when the whole ship is asleep, Kraglin hijacks an M-ship and fly’s off to Xandar, telling no one.

From the time he leaves, to the surgery, and recovery time, three weeks have passed. The first week was spent in a drugged stupor and a fog of pain so intense he can do nothing more than sleep. The second week he becomes strong enough to open his eyes, lift his arms, and check his holo pad. 

Fifty missed calls, dozens of messages...all from Peter. 

The third week he's discharged with a bottle of painkillers and a strict set of instructions that all boil down to ‘don’t over do it’. 

As he boards the ship, Peter is on him immediately – bombarding him with questions and asking over and over ‘where the hell did you go?’

Then they see the fin, and all the questions die on their tongues. Kraglin knows he looks strange, and he can see the anger on Peter’s face. He knows the surgery was risky, and that he should’ve told someone. But he finally feels whole, and the feeling of finally being complete is euphoric and Kraglin would do the surgery over again in an instant if he had to.

Life takes meaning again as he practices with the Yaka. Though Peter might not need him as a first mate, he will always need a protector, and in captain’s place Kraglin is more than happy to take up the mantel. 

Dressed in Ravager red, Kraglin stands tall. He and his captain, protecting and enduring now and forever.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Evolution of the Serpentine Autophage](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17626268) by [Malsang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malsang/pseuds/Malsang)




End file.
